Years ago, a friend was told by a prophet to break up with his girlfriend of some years on the grounds that they were not designed for each other by God. Not willing to break her heart by upfront disengagement, he left the relationship hanging for some months. The lady was still visiting, carrying out wifely duties by sleeping over, cooking, and having sex with the guy.
The guy’s commitment got thin at some point and the lady shared with me. I promised to speak to him and find out what was going on. I got to know about the prophecy through my then boyfriend and the guy’s plan to patiently break up with the lady.
“…can you just tell your friend to free this babe instead of carrying on and sleeping with her…” I asked furiously
After that visit, the lady continued complaining to me. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I told her to please have some sense. I mean it is so obvious this guy is done with you. Just move on. I thought she was just being stupid for investing more and demanding commitment from the guy. The poor lady couldn’t make sense of the breakup.
“…Sister Esther, I still need to understand what I’ve done to deserve this kind of treatment from my boyfriend. He stopped responding to my calls and messages. He doesn’t visit me anymore. Did I do anything wrong? Is he seeing someone? Could it be that he doesn’t love me anymore? He can’t just break up with me without me knowing why…” She went on and on.
How could I have told her that “…sister, a prophet told your boyfriend that you are a bad omen for his marital destiny…” It was painted that badly in the prophecy.
The relationship ended yet she was still seeking relationship closure. She wanted to know why it can’t work and then peg the matter to a definite close.
It didn’t make sense to me at the time especially because she has started another relationship.
I tell you; some details are held back when many people are breaking up their relationships. They just look for one excuse or the other and drop the bomb leaving the other fellow more confused and bitter.
Years later, my Ex and I broke-up after a 7-year long relationship. We both agreed before the relationship started that there will be no sex before marriage but years down the line, he came with the verdict. “…No sex no marriage…I am not ready for marriage for another 4 years…any man who marries you is lucky…”
I was seriously hurting. About a year later, I started thinking how can a sensible man with a correct brain break up a 7-year relationship with a beautiful damsel like me? How could he walk out on what we shared for years? We were good together, so he trashed everything because of sex? What a loss!
I was reflecting on how we journeyed for years without sex and wondering how he wouldn’t want to wait for another year or two for sex. It was somehow. I went further in my thought like could it be that he was also given a prophecy in his church not to marry me too? Or is there a problem with me he didn’t tell me about? Is it a family problem?
From reflection, I became confused and began self-judgment which led to serious emotional pain. There was a missing piece. I subtly desired a closure so we could go our separate ways in peace.
I don’t know maybe someone is reading me and confirming that truly the reason for your past break-ups didn’t make sense and you just badly want closure and move on. I understand that feeling.
WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP CLOSURE?
“Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.” Psychology Today.
HOW HELPFUL IS SEEKING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP CLOSURE?
Let’s say closure helps you find answers to your questions. It can also help you know where you went wrong so you can make adjustments in your next relationship. It could help heal guilt and gain forgiveness when you are the offending party. It displaces your confusion and self-judgment. Closure helps you to realize the relationship is truly over and your ex is not coming back.
I can mention how my husband got to know his Ex left him because she peeped into his diary and saw his life vision statement which she wasn’t cut out for. I can’t blame her. I am the woman for this job. I know how his face lighted up realizing he isn’t a bad man after all. Fears of the future chased the lady away.
Closure is the desire for an answer that leaves no room for uncertainty. When we say a person needs closure, we’re saying they’re seeking the answers and resolution that they need to move on.
WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO TALK HAVING CLOSURE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?
I have seen many singles in relationships and even married people getting into trouble all in the name of seeking closure for their past relationships.
A lady was preparing for her wedding and a few weeks before the day, the best man flew in from outside the country. Lo and behold it was her ex-fiancé who stood her up at the altar. All hell went loose. She was so eager to have time alone with the guy and find out WHY he left her years before. It didn’t end well as the conversation led to sexual intercourse.
I have also seen some singles hanging on a spot because they can’t seem to make peace with their past. Moving on for them is not the next thing because they badly want to know the missing link in their past breakups.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO WHEN YOU NEED A CLOSURE?
- Confront Yourself With The Reality
I didn’t pursue any closure. I confronted myself with the reality that we don’t work so moving on is more important than hanging around spilled milk.
2. Have A Sense Of Purpose
I started to see God’s fingers vividly in my journey after the breakup. A sense of purpose came and I can’t be grateful enough to God for that season. I found God and Vision for life, which displaced my negative emotions.
3. Confront Yourself With Truths About The Relationship
I finally confronted myself with the truths about the foundation of the relationship; what it survived on, and how it impacted my fellowship with God. I realized getting married to my ex with our differing values and lack of spiritual unity wouldn’t be the best for the kind of marriage I see myself building. I wanted a better relationship.
4. Forgive And Release The Matter To God
I chose to forgive and release the matter to God. It was a journey I’m happy I went on which paid off so well.
5. Cut Off Communication
I cut off communication and destroyed everything that reminded me of him (letters, pictures, gifts, and some mutual relationships we shared too)
6. Look At The Good Thing You Did For Yourself In The Relationship
I looked at the role I played in the breakup and I felt so good I did my best to make us work. The only thing I didn’t give him was sex.
7. Allow Yourself To Feel Bad
I allowed myself to feel bad. I didn’t suppress my feelings and did not blame myself for what had happened. Life happens. There is no room for depression at all. I washed my face and powdered it.
8. Don’t Lose Your Self-worth
I strongly believed any man who would marry me was blessed. This didn’t deflate my self-worth; I just healed up.
I don’t know how complicated your matter is and how you badly need closure but what I advise is what I did. Open your eyes to the truths. Embrace it. See and savour the joy around you. Move on.
If you are stuck and thinking getting closure will do your life a world of good, please I advise you to seek counsel first.
How about married people seeking closure from their past romantic relationships? I do not advise meeting your Ex at all. Don’t trust yourself. Old fire can be reignited. If your past is affecting your marriage, see a counselor. If your spouse is sensible, talk about it. In any case, never allow your past to destroy your present and inadvertently your future.
Reading through the story of how Esau (with his entourage) traveled many distances to meet Jacob, you’d agree with me he was only looking for closure. They met for a brief moment, reconciled, and departed. Even Jacob wasn’t ready to play close anymore but just needed to repair the bridge, get peace in his heart, and move on to another land. Genesis 33.
The meeting was before a host of their families, with no social media stalking, no secret chatting, no unwarranted calls, or meaningless hangouts. Some matters are best left buried you know.
Written by
Esther Ebunoluwa Omoniyi